Sunday, January 22, 2012

The last few are the hardest...and most emotional!!

Weight Loss to date:92 lbs ( Since Jan 2011)

After hitting the one year mark, I decided I needed to do something that I have been waiting to do for a long time. I went and got my hair cut short again!  I worked really hard to grow it out and I was ready for a big change.  I didn't think I would like it, but I absolutely love my new hair cut!!

I am only 8 lbs away from my major goal right now, to lose 100 lbs.  But the closer that goal gets the harder it seems my body has to work and the more emotional this journey gets for me.  I have made some changes to my eating and have started going higher protein, and way lower fat.  We no longer keep Diet Coke in the house, and I only have it if we go out to eat.  Which, we have stopped eating out during the week days and only go out on the weekend and maybe only once or twice.  I know I have to be more diligent to make better food choices everyday.  I am doing a lot of reading and finding out what foods actually do and don't do for my body.  I still have my treats here and there, but I am doing much better at controlling my snacking.  I am also doing better with water intake. It is kinda hard during the week, because I can't just leave to use the bathroom anytime, so  I have to time things just right. 

I don't think I ever imagined that losing weight would be such and emotional journey. I always thought "Oh you'll be skinnier and that will mean you will love your body and be so happy".  Ya right!!! I know everyone else sees the weight loss and compliments me on it a lot.  I really appreciate that. But the hard part for me is that I look in the mirror and still see 287 lbs.  I was teased a lot as a kid and teenager ( well pretty much my whole life) for being "chunky", "fat", "not pretty", "the fat friend" and so on.  So, the hard part for me is not letting those names dictate my feelings. It is just really hard.  My brain is used to a really heavy girl when I look in the mirror.  I find that I constantly compare myself to other people and when I am not comparing myself to them, I am frustrated that I look so "huge" in my own head. 

I know the Bible says we were created in God's image, so now I am going to work and pray everyday for God to help me see myself in HIS image instead of the one the world has given me. I am not going to let it bring me down.  I have always seemed like a very bubbly, confident person. Truth is I was faking the confidence.  If I made people think I liked myself, maybe they wouldn't want to make fun of me.  A very smart lady (my trainer and friend, Brandi) told me this. "Fake it till you make it. If you hug yourself every day and say 'I love Me' you will eventually believe it." 

So, here's to waking up everyday and telling myself "I love me!! Not just on the inside, but the outside too!!"  I know God will help me through this. 
Proverbs 3:5 & 6 says "Trust the Lord with all your heart! Acknowledge him in all your ways and He will guide your path".  My motto for this journey! (and soon to be tattoo as well!) I will trust you Lord!!

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